shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize