On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
