He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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