I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
