if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I think people are normalizing furries
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
the raccoons are back...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
