actually, I'm a sock model
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
