Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
