I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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