I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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