I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
