and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
