Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
