and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
being pregnant is like rehab
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
