we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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