wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
