and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
