oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
