So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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