I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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