My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
