remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
