Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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