it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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