sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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