If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
