I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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