i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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