I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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