dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
