There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
