One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Mom said you looked used
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
