my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
