Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
