he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
