I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Never underestimate the power of titties
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
