I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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