yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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