i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Someone signed my nipple.
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