normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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