you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
