we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
