Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
