I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
How does it feel to date your dad?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
