Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
