Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize