my mouth tastes like poor choices
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
