Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
