no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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