Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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