I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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