we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
