I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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