I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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