The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
