It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
