the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
