Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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