im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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