Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
