Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize