Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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